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Ten hilariously awesome sex scenes

Jun 6 08, 11:28 AM
It’s almost summertime – the sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them… as is my understanding – romance is in the air. So it seems like a good time to talk about sex…scenes.

But here’s the problem – too many of these scenes merely strive to be erotic. There aren’t enough that go the extra mile to achieve success on a different level.

So theneilman is here to sex-educate you on the funniest love scenes in film.

Now, Canoe Space is a family-friendly site and I aim to keep it that way as much as possible. So if you came here with the intention of getting some nudity, you will be sorely disappointed.

But the good news is there’s an entire internet chock-full of porn for you to explore. All you need is Google access and a high tolerance for spamware and you’re good to go!

Onto the list!

Feel free to jump in and share your own. Not a member? Sign up here. It's free and takes less than two minutes.

10. Demolition Man – The sex of the future (sex not included)

Performers: Sylvester Stallone, Sandra Bullock

“Demolition Man” is certainly not the first film to try to scare us with its horrifying vision of a dystopian future.

However, none have frightened theneilman quite like DM’s take on the subject – a world where citizens are overly polite and wear stupid-looking robes, swearing is illegal, the only available food is Taco Bell, toilet paper has been replaced by three seashells (can seashells really handle your common post-Taco-Bell BM?), and sex has been outlawed.

But just because the physical act of getting it on is no longer an option, doesn’t mean people can’t enjoy some virtual eroticism.

                  
                    In the Kama Sutra, this position is known as the staring contest.

After waking up to this world following decades of cryogenic suspension, I don’t think anyone would have blamed Stallone if he asked to be returned to a Slysicle.

9. Shoot ‘Em Up – They don’t call it that for nothing

Performers: Clive Owen, Monica Bellucci

It’s quite an amazing sight to witness just how many bullets fly in "Shoot ‘Em Up." Not only does the film feel like one long gunfight, but battles erupt at some pretty odd moments.

Clive Owen blows guys away while plummeting out of an airplane, is caught in gun battle while helping a woman give birth (when the baby is born he even shoots the umbilical cord) and, of course, while trying to give Monica Bellucci some sweet loving -- action followed by action. Sounds pretty awesome to me.

8. Orgazmo – A sexual tyrannosaurus

Performers: Trey Parker, The Fat Lady Stripper (this is what she’s credited as on the IMDb)

Though it’s incredibly funny, the T-Rex scene in "Orgazmo" is also the most gut-wrenchingly horrifying entry in this blog.

Why? Well for starters, T-Rex is, uh, how to put this nicely – hideous.

                  

To make matters even worse, Trey Parker thought it would be a good idea to make her moaning sound like a cross between a drag queen and Eric Cartman.

7. Scary Movie – Stick around for a while

Performers: Anna Faris, Jon Abrahams

Remember when I said I was going to keep this blog as clean as possible? Well, that’s going to be difficult given the nature of this scene.

So all I’m going to say is this: The girl is on top and then she ends up stuck to the ceiling – use your imagination.

6. Office Space – Bill Lumbergh gets down with his bad self

Performers: Gary Cole, someone’s leg

If you haven’t seen "Office Space" yet, chances are you’ve heard someone’s Bill Lumbergh impersonation. His smarmy, condescending tone is a thing of beauty and his exploits help make "Office Space" the hilarious film it is.

One of the highlights comes when the film’s protagonist has a nightmare involving Bill engaging in sexual intercourse with his girlfriend. Not only does his mannerisms and speaking pattern remain exactly as it is in the office, but he bring his lucky coffee mug along for the ride.

                  

5. Hot Shots – Makin’ bacon

Performers: Charlie Sheen, Valeria Golino

The ‘hottest’ scene on this list brings new meaning to the term breakfast in bed. It’s also a great example of how multitasking can make our lives easier.

                  

4. Crank – It’s China Town

Performers: Jason Statham, Amy Smart

Much like the aforementioned “Shoot ‘Em Up,” “Crank” is yet another exercise in film excess.

The plot revolves around Jason Statham needing to keep his adrenaline going so he can live long enough to revenge against the man who poisoned him.

This includes tons of energy drinks, car chases, shocks from a defibrillator and having sex with his girlfriend in the middle of China Town while an entire crowd cheers him on.

                  

3. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life – Sex-ed meets show and tell

Performers: John Cleese, Patricia Quinn

All throughout my journalism program, teachers preached the gospel of ‘show me, not tell me’ in writing.

Knowing this, John Cleese decided it would be best to apply it to sex-ed.

                  

2. The Naked Gun – Taking safe sex to a whole new level

Performers: Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley

You know what? I could try to do some kind of witty write-up here, but a picture really is worth a thousand words.

                     

1. Team America: World Police – Sex For Dummies

Performers: Puppets

It’s going to be quite some time before another sex scene can even come close to the silly, perverted nature of "Team America’s" puppet porking.

Originally this scene was so graphic that it earned the entire film an NC-17 rating, which is a death sentence for any movie looking to make its way to theatres. Luckily it has been restored to its full glory on the unrated DVD edition.

                  

As far as the scene itself goes, not only do the puppets bust out some crazy moves and explore a couple of nasty fetishes, but, well, they’re puppets.
Categories: Showbiz, Comedy, Movies
Tags: love, romance, sex
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